Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. V) – Miley Cyrus

If you think I’m loud, obnoxious, and annoying, it’s not my fault.  Blame Lamar.

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. 5) - Miley Cyrus

Before I met Lamar at Tallwood High School in 1998 (How was that 15 years ago?!?), I was a quiet dude who just wanted to watch “Beverly Hills 90210” all day (just like all the other fifteen year old guys).  For better or for worse, Lamar encouraged me to get involved at school, to always be a little weird, and to come out of my shell.

Awkward White Guy Raps (Vol. 5) - Miley Cyrus

Thanks, Lamar.

We were out of touch for nearly a decade, but Backstreet’s back and we just made a “rap” video.  There was no planning and no practice, so please don’t hate.

And stop hatin’ on Miley!

Here are all the earlier white boy jams:

Biggie

Dr. Dre and Snoop

Eminem

Taylor Swift

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. IV) – Taylor Swift

There are a few things in life that make me really proud:

(1)  I married a pretty cool lady;

(2)  I make awesome chili; and

(3)  I met Britney Spears.

Most importantly, me and some fellas from Capital City Church turned a TAYLOR SWIFT SONG INTO A RAP JAM!

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. IV) - Taylor Swift

I hope you like it!  Many thanks to Ron, Phil, and Evan for making my crazy dream come true.  If you think this video will help make someone’s day a little brighter, please share it.  We’re just trying to bring a few extra smiles to this wonderful world.

Enjoy!

Here are the previous editions of “Awkward White Guy Raps”:

Biggie’s “Hypnotize”

Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s “Still D.R.E.”

Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” 

Beat Dat Addiction

We made it to the weekend.  Good job, world.  That is always worth celebrating.  I have something else to celebrate:

Victory

Baby news?  Nope.  Check back in 2-3 years.

Lost some weight?  Sadly, I’m moving in the wrong direction on that one.

New job?  Naw, dawg.  I like being able to wear purple pants to work.

More importantly, I have won my battle with Coke (to avoid confusion, please note the capitalized “C”).  It was a tough and lengthy battle, but like Britney Spears at the 2005 Grammy Awards, I won.

Britney GIF

I took the Virginia bar exam in July 2009.  It was a grueling summer and just like watching any recent Nicholas Cage movie, it is not an experience I want to repeat.  I studied 12+ hours a day.  The only way I stayed awake during prep classes so boring that they made soccer look exciting was by drinking Coke Zero.  Sadly, not one or two cans, but five.

(Just kidding, soccer fans.  Sorta.)

Four years later and I was still drinking five cans of that black and fake sugary goodness each day.  I’m not a nutritionist and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I do know that’s not good for you.  So I finally decided to “quit” and today marks my one-month anniversary of semi-freedom from Coke Zero.  How are you going to celebrate?

If you feel as though you are in the inescapable grip of an addiction, you’re not.  Just like Michael Jackson, you’re gonna “Beat It.”  Here’s how:

1.  Don’t be dumb.  Set a realist goal.  If I tried to quit Coke Zero completely, I’d fail.  Be smart, set reasonable expectations, and then go from there.  Baby steps.

2.  Find a good substitute.  If you’re trying to rid your life of something, you’ve got to replace it with something else.  For me, it was sparkling water (and rap videos).  Sure, water with bubbles is not nearly as good as Coke, but it’s a lot healthier and does the trick.

3.  Accountability.  Addictions can crush us and we can’t fight them alone.  Get someone who can support you.  Amanda, of newfound rapping fame, was key.  She stopped buying Coke Zero.  That helped.

Good luck and TGIF!

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. III) – Eminem

If I had quit on my marriage, I would have missed out on a lot of priceless experiences.  Most importantly, I wouldn’t have made a “rap” video with my wife:

Awkward White Guy Rap - Lose Yourself - Eminem

As you’ll see in the below video, Amanda’s “flow” is pretty amazing “interesting.”  Straight outta North Dakota. Yo.

Enjoy!  Please don’t hate.  We’re a teacher and a lawyer.  We’re not rappers.  (Duh.)

The first “Awkward White Guy Rap Video” (Biggie’s “Hypnotize”) can be found here and my first feature musical film can be found here (Dr. Dre’s and Snoop Dogg’s “Still D.R.E.”).  Stay tuned for the release of another crazy “rap” jam on Monday.

Marriage Sucks. Sometimes.

I’m thankful for a lot of things.   I’m thankful that *NSYNC is reuniting for a hot second this weekend.  I’m thankful that Lady Gaga is finally back after her mystery hiatus.  I’m thankful for my new pair of red pants.

Most importantly, I’m thankful that I didn’t walk away from my marriage.

I thought about it.  More than once.

Don’t be fooled by Hollywood.  Every married person has one thing in common:

We have all struggled with our marriage.  All of us.

Marriage Sucks.  Sometimes

It may be a brief moment after your husband pressures you into going mud swimming in Colombia or it may be something you wrestle with for years.  When you go through a rough patch, take heart, Young Jedi.  You’re not the first married dude or dudette who wondered if life would be better if you were single and could eat cereal for dinner every day and play X-Box all night.

Although I’m kind of an idiot, here’s the five most important things I’ve learned after nearly eight years of marriage:

1.  Never admit that you’re wrong.

1.  Cling to the reasons you got married.  You may try to rewrite history and tell yourself that you were never in love to justify walking out.  That’s a lot easier than fighting for your marriage.  The easy way won’t get you far.  Remember the good times.

2.  Get away from your spouse.  Seriously, you need some alone time.  You need time with your boys/ladies.  I love Oreos, but I don’t want to eat them every meal.  Okay, maybe that’s not true.  However, if I ate Oreos all day and every day, I wouldn’t appreciate them as much.

3.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.  Most of your fights will be about dumb stuff.  When that happens, call it out and laugh at yourselves for getting upset about who finished off the pack of Thin Mints.  Sure, there will be fights about very serious and important topics.  Just don’t let the dumb stuff kill you.

4.  The Big Bond.  There has to be something greater that ties you together.  This could be faith or a charitable cause.  If that’s not your thing, then maybe it could be a passion for politics, movies, or rap music.

5.  Get out of the house.  Life should be an adventure.  You need to travel together.  You need to go on bike rides.  You need to go out on dates.  If you’re in a funk and you’re just hanging out at home all the time, you’ll never break the cycle.

So there you have it.  Not all marriages can be saved, but at least give it your best shot before walking away.

I’m glad I did.

Even Divas Love Church

Despite my love for shoes and my passion for fashion, I’m actually not the biggest diva in our house.

Meet Napoleon.

Even Divas Love Church

He’s a seven-pound beast.  However, like Cubs fans in October, he is never satisfied.  No amount of treats is ever sufficient and laying on the floor without pillows is inconceivable.  He’s a diva.  In fact, he hates everything that doesn’t involve him eating, sleeping, or humping.

Almost.

This little diva dude loves church.  Specifically, Capital City Church in Washington, D.C.

There’s hope for everyone.  Even rappers.

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. II) – Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg

Thank you, Steve Jobs, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Dogg.  You all made this possible:

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. II) - Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg

Me and my boy Phil, a bad dude from L.A. and a small business owner in DC, met a few years ago at a Capital City Church flag football game.  Like all good friends do, we eventually made a rap video.  Unfortunately, both of us are white, have no lyrical skills, and have never used any video editing software.  However, we love rap music.  And Chihuahuas.
Awkward White Guy Rap - Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg

I really hope you like our “rap” video.  Even if you don’t, hopefully it will make you thankful that you’re not us.  If you do like it, please share it with any friends, co-workers, family members, or random strangers on the Metro who may need a smile on a Monday morning.  Enjoy!

If you missed the first edition of “Awkward White Guy Raps,” you can peep it here.

“Cheers to the Freakin’ Weekend”

The only thing greater than Taylor Swift?

The weekend.

Sadly, the only thing that disappears more quickly than the weekend is a pack of Oreos at our house.  Alas, it was a good weekend.  No, a great weekend.  Here’s why:

Me and my boy Philly Z. made a rap video.  Typical Saturday.

Cheers to the Freakin' Weekend

Amazingly, it’s even more awkward than my solo Biggie joint from last week.  The new jam is dropping tomorrow morning.  I’m a little biased, but it’s really funny.  And really stupid.

I got my new kicks.  Rocked them at church.  Technically, I rocked them on stage at church.  Our pastor said he needed sunglasses when he looked at me.  Understandable.

jordans

Not only did I get to hear an encouraging word about thankfulness at church today, but it was unintentionally red pants day.  I like red pants days.

redpants

We hung out with some dear friends on Friday night.  I ate approximately five pounds of pork BBQ and 10+ cookies.  I also played Settlers of Catan.  Although I’m an uber-geek, I kind of hate that game (that statement may be considered heresy in Christian and/or hipster circles).  Many in attendance will say that I cheated.  They are right.

catan

Saturday evening was spent hanging out with four of our dearest friends.  I had my first vegan meal, rocked out with Kelly Kapowski, and ate a gallon of salsa.  I really wish that was an exaggeration.

kellys

Saturday night’s salsa throwdown reminded me a lot of the infamous night in 2004 when I ate too many fajitas and too much salsa and I threw up in the parking lot of a Guadalajara in Charlottesville.  There wasn’t a second date.

Awkward White Guy Rap — The Debut

If you thought my posts about Lady Gaga, burritos, Taylor Swift, and Jesus were annoying, I’m sorry. Be warned: [stuff] is about to get real.

Here come the videos.

I love acting the fool in my writing. I love acting an even bigger fool when the camera is rolling. Oh, and I love rap music. You should too. Please remember that I’m not a professional rapper (even if that is hard to believe). I am a lawyer. Enjoy!

AWKWARD WHITE GUY RAP — “HYPNOTIZE” BY NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

Thanks, Biggie.

blog4

(That is my friend Aaron on the right. That is not Biggie. Biggie is on my shirt. A lot.)

I really love this shirt. I don’t love tiny bathrooms. Or people who take selfies in tiny bathrooms. (Ooops.)

biggie2

You can find all the other “Awkward White Guy Raps” here.

The Jesus Obsession

Jesus said a lot of cool things when he was cruising around the Middle East a few years ago:

Jesus Dude

(1)  “Blessed are the peacemakers . . ..”  (Matthew 5:9)

(2)  “Let any of you who is without sin throw the first stone . . ..”  (John 8:7)

(This explains why Tebow never learned to throw.)

tebow throw

3)  “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  (Matthew 28:20)

He wasn’t kidding about that one.  Jesus is everywhere.

He’s on top of mountains.

Jesus Brazil

He’s on pieces of bread.

Jesus Bread

He’s in a “galaxy far, far away.”

Jesus Star Wars

He’s inside computers.

Matrix Jesus

He’s in blue tights.

Jesus Superman

Most recently, he’s in a wannabe Terminator outfit.

Jesus Elysium

For those of you who aren’t geeks, that is a scene from “Elysium,” the new Matt Damon sci-fi flick.  Although I thought the movie was a hot mess, like so many other films, it was the story of Jesus wrapped in modern and violent packaging.  Although the “Elysium” Jesus was a gun-toting carjacker who blows people’s faces off with grenades, it was still Jesus.  [[ SPOILER ALERT ]]  In the movie, Earth kind of sucked, due to war, poverty, and pollution, and all the rich folks peaced out to Elysium, a floating space station where there was no suffering, no sickness, and no death.  In this “heaven,” there were sweet gardens, pool parties, and rockin’ spaceships.  And then one dude, Matt Damon, changed everything.  He shot a lot of people and then he sacrificed his own life so everyone stuck on Earth could become citizens of Elysium.  What up, Jesus?!  [[ END SPOILER ]]

That made me wonder why Hollywood and the rest of us who have normal jobs are so obsessed with Jesus.  Here’s my uneducated guesses:

1.  Whether you believe in the divinity of Christ or not, JC was the most influential homeboy in history.  Lady Gaga is a close second.  Taylor Swift a distant third.

Jesus Ashton

2.  Jesus gave us Christmas.  Thanks, Jesus.

death star

3.  The story of Jesus is compelling.  A dude from humble beginnings taught some epic messages about peace, love, and grace.  Yet, he was persecuted and tortured.  And then he died a gruesome death to save the lives of others.  However, just like the Terminator, he came back.  Regardless of your religious beliefs, that’s a rad story.

Jesus Terminator

4.  Not only is the story of Jesus pretty rad, but it’s also compelling.  It can change lives.  If you’re looking for some hope and purpose in your life, try Jesus.  Even if you’re not down with the whole Son of God and Resurrection stuff, living a life full of grace and service is always a good thing.  And if you’re looking to make a movie that will earn hundreds of millions of dollars, try Jesus.  And then give him some sweet tats and lots of guns.