Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. XIV): Run-DMC

Look out, world!  You’re about to witness the greatest comeback in D.C. since Grover Cleveland:

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. XIV) - Run DMC

Amanda is making her long-awaited return to the rap game!

Such a momentous moment in music history warrants a legendary rap song.  After videos inspired by artists ranging from Dr. Dre and DMX to Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry, it was time to look to the godfathers of rap music, Run-DMC.  Those guys took rap from the streets to the mainstream.  I’ve done their ultimate jam, “Walk This Way,” in the past, so we turned to another one of their classic hits, “It’s Tricky.”

Not only is “It’s Tricky” a super dope jam, but we love it because our boy Bryce Harper used it as one of his walk-up songs at Nationals games this past season.  You’re the man, Bryce, but this strange video is kind of your fault.

I’ll be honest, Amanda crushes it in this video.  Amazingly, she does it all with two little babies jamming inside her.  Enjoy this video and it’s extreme Caucasian awkwardness!

You can find all of the “Awkward White Guy Rap” videos here!

Wrestling with Life

My last few posts have been pretty serious. I’ve written about self-esteem, the death of my beard, and the power of our words. I really need to class this place up a bit.

It’s time to talk wrestling.

Not that silly mess they do in high schools, colleges, and the Olympics. Real wrestling. The good stuff.

Wrassling.

Wrestling with Life

Like any ’80s kid who wasn’t deprived, I grew up on WWF and WCW wrestling. My first experience with this noble art form was on a special night in 1982. First, it was deep in the barrio in Texas. Second, I wasn’t even born yet. My mom was seven months pregnant. Third, it was Christmas Eve. Thankfully, my parents had their priorities right and thought that was the perfect time to go to a semi-pro wrestling event. Despite my tiny limbs and feeble motor skills, I had my own personal royal rumble in my mom’s womb that night and she feared I was going to burst out of that dark and wet prison. Although I wasn’t born that night, my love for wrestling was.

Yes, it’s terribly cheesy and supposedly fake, but wrestling is an important part of my history. I grew up watching it with my dad and grandad. I spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours playing wrestling video games with my friends. As an only child, I spent an equal amount of time having imaginary wrestling matches with myself. I usually won. In high school, a bunch of dudes would come over to my house for big pay-per-view events (one kid still owes me $5 from 1999…deadbeat). We’d have a great time watching our heroes while doing ill-advised moves on each other between matches. More “recently,” Amanda and I spent our first anniversary at WWE’s Monday Night Raw. I am terribly proud and terribly ashamed of that fact.

After decades of wrestling experience and two minutes of thought, here is the official list of the best five wrasslers ever.

Honorable Mention: The Rock. Hulk Hogan. Goldberg. Sable.

5. Stone Cold Steve Austin — Sike. Austin sucked. Total fraud. He’ll always be the “Big Blonde Machine.”

(Steve, if you are reading this, I’m kidding. You don’t suck. PS – Why does one of the “Hollywood Blondes” have brown hair?)

The Real Top Five…

5. The Ultimate Warrior — This guy taught us that you can succeed in life even if you don’t have a ton of talent.  All you have to do is be a little nuts.  This dude’s energy was amazing.  Thus, I proudly rock his shirt.  A lot.

Warrior

4. Tatanka — I was obsessed with Native American culture when I was ten years old. Thus, I loved Tatanka. A lot. His red mohawk was sick. If someone ever asks me whether I had solo wrestling matches that involved a Native American headress I owned, I will have to awkwardly walk away.

3. The Million Dollar Man — This dude had swag. He was the original baller. Plus, he came to my high school in 2000. And talked about Jesus.

2. Shawn Michaels — I’ve read three books over the past seven years. One of them was a Shawn Michaels autobiography.  I also saw him on a plane once. He was wearing a cowboy hat, as one should on an airplane. Most importantly, Shawn Michaels has the greatest theme song of any wrestler in history. Arguably, “Sexy Boy” is the greatest song in history. Anyone who sings the lyric “I’m just a sexy boy, I’m not your boy toy” AND wears spandex pants is a hero.

1. Bret “The Hitman” Hart — Other than Shania Twain and Justin Bieber, Canada isn’t very cool. Wait, NEVERMIND. BRET HART IS FROM CANADA. That makes Canada the coolest country ever. (Sorry, America.) Unsurprisingly, my favorite wrestler wore pink. He also had the illest outfits, the best technique, and the baddest finishing move. I’ve put so many dudes in the Sharpshooter over the years that I’m on TSA’s no-fly list. My wife may have been accidentaly put in it a few times too. If you don’t think that Bret Hart is the best wrestler, and maybe the best person, ever, you’re wrong.

Bye.

“You’re Not Good Enough”

Some days you wake up and feel like a million bucks.

You're Not Good EnoughOther days, you don’t.

You're Not Good Enough

“My job sucks.”

I hate myself.

“I feel fat.  And this idiot on the basketball court just said we should play shirts vs. skins.”

I hate myself.

“I ordered a pizza and fell asleep watching TV alone on a Friday night.  At 8:00pm.”

I hate myself.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you’re not a big fan of you.  That’s not good.  The world can be pretty tough and there is already too much hate out there.  If you hate on yourself for a few mistakes or supposed flaws, you’re missing out on all the beautiful things you have the offer.  And if you’re missing out on all your unique gifts, the rest of the world probably is too.  That ain’t right.

So here are my five tips on how to like yourself more.  If you need real advice, watch “Dr. Phil.”

(1)  You are the only you.

It’s probably life’s greatest challenge, but don’t compare yourself to others.  Sure, on the rare occasion, it might inspire you to do something good.  However, it will usually just take you to the Dark Side.  That’s not good (although Vader was so much cooler than Luke).  You’re wonderfully and beautifully unique and the world needs you to be you.

(2)  You’re awkward?  Cool.  The rest of us are too.

You’ll probably do something dumb today.  Don’t fret.  Billions of other people will too.  Myself included.

You're Not Good Enough

(I felt SO bad.  That guy probably felt worse.)

You're Not Good Enough. Yo

Plus, most people won’t even remember your mistakes in a few days.  Hopefully, neither will you.  So take it easy on yourself.

(3)  You REALLY screwed up?  Learn from it.

There are two kinds of mistakes: there are “Call of Duty” screwups where you get to start over from your last starting point.  When you make one of those mistakes, no big deal.  Time for Take 2.  On the other hand, there are old school Nintendo screwups. You’re playing Mario 3, jammin’ to some “Ace of Base” and, BOOM, you finally get to the last level to face King Koopa.  Oops, you just died.  That sucks, because now you have to start over from the beginning.

(throws controller and rips off B.U.M Equipment shirt)

That kind of mistake really hurts and is not easily forgotten.  So you’re left with two choices:  you can beat yourself up for the next few days, weeks, years, or even decades OR you can learn from it and move on.  Do the latter.  Oh, and if your screwup hurt someone else.  Apologize.

(Amanda, I’m sorry for eating your rice pudding last week.  I’m not sure if you noticed…)

(4)  Don’t live life alone.

We aren’t meant to live life alone.  Tom Brady wouldn’t have won those 5 Super Bowls without my encouragement and the help of his teammates (and arguably the help of secret video recordings of opposing coaches).  If Tom can’t do it alone, neither can you.  Live life in a community.  A community that will encourage you, a community that will make you laugh, a community that will support you when life gets tough.

(5)  Go shopping.

Don’t try to fill your pain or insecurities with material things.  It won’t work.  However, if there is an affordable purchase that will give you an extra boost, bring a smile to your face, or give you some extra swag, buy it.  Or better yet, you can “shop your closet” and dig up some forgotten gems for free.  And then rock the streets like only YOU can.

pimp-walking

Bye.

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. VII) – Disney

Although we may disagree about our favorite sports teams, political idealogies, and religous beliefs, we all love Disney movies.  I don’t know about you, but a 1980’s Disney animation classic and a rap jam seem like a perfect fit.

Awkward White Guy Rap (Vol. VII) - Disney

This is a little different than the other “Awkward White Guy Raps,” but I like it (and it only took 10 minutes to film and edit).  Have a great day!