I love Christmas.
Especially when my family wants to make a “music” video.
Amanda has taught me a lot of important lessons over the past nine years. Unfortunately, it’s 2:00am and I can’t think of any funny examples. However, I do know that she taught me to love country music. Prior to dating Amanda, my appreciation for country music went no further than Shania Twain.
These days, my Spotify is full of country “jams.” Thus, a little Jason Aldean seemed appropriate for today’s “rap” video…even though he’s a bit too redneck for me. I prefer Carrie Underwood-esque country music. And Carrie Underwood-esque everything else too.
We didn’t practice this one at all, we didn’t know the lyrics, and it was 11pm on a Wednesday. Thus, go easy on us. However, you will get to see the two newest members of our family! What’s up, playas?!
You can find all the other “Awkward White Guy Raps” here. They’re better. I hope.
There are a few things in life that make me really proud:
(2) I make awesome chili; and
(3) I met Britney Spears.
I hope you like it! Many thanks to Ron, Phil, and Evan for making my crazy dream come true. If you think this video will help make someone’s day a little brighter, please share it. We’re just trying to bring a few extra smiles to this wonderful world.
Here are the previous editions of “Awkward White Guy Raps”:
Sometimes life can seem helpless.
All your pants have gone from “slim fit” to “don’t fit” after hitting the snooze button eight times each morning this week instead of going to the gym.
Democrats and Republicans. Fighting about everything.
Telling yourself that you’re going to start eating healthy. You eat six cookies thirty minutes later.
Finally, wearing a blue dress shirt in the summer. Bro, we can see those sweat stains.
Despite those seemingly helpless situations, nothing is impossible. You never know when a miracle might be just around the corner. It can come in the form of a friend dropping some truth all up in your face, an encouraging phone call or Bible verse, a positive medical report, or even a humble farm boy who becomes a decorated knight and defeats an evil empire.
Do you want further proof that you should never give up hope?
BRITNEY SPEARS WON A GRAMMY AWARD. No, seriously. She won a Grammy.
Thus, anything is possible.
For example, this guy…
And these guys…
Just like that Chinese and Italian combo restaurant in Arlington (true story; eww), Nelly and Florida Georgia Line making a song together is a really weird combination. A really weird and really awesome combination. Sort of like chicken and waffles.
Two country music newcomers teaming up with a rapper from St. Louis to make a ridiculously awesome song? That’s a miracle. That’s diversity. That’s America. If these insanely different dudes can make something this magical happen, then I don’t want to hear any excuses from Congress about the two sides being too far apart to work together.
So if you’re facing an obstacle that seems insurmountable, a to-do list that is never-ending, or a situation that feels helpless, it’s not. Nelly and Florida Georgia Line have proven that anything is possible.
Well, almost anything.
I survived my ten-year high school reunion, my thirtieth birthday, and even the Backstreet Boys’ twentieth anniversary.
But I couldn’t survive Taylor Swift.
Despite our obvious mutual affection for each other, Taylor has dealt me a crippling blow.
She has made me feel old.
Whether it is due to my questionable collection of ‘80s cartoon t-shirts, the fact that I still keep in touch with hordes of high school friends, or just plain ole’ denial, I usually feel pretty young. But when Taylor sings about the joys and fabulousness of being 22 (Zack Morris aside: Best. Song. Ever.), it makes me feel all “how about kids these days with their terrible grammar and constant texting,” “*NSYNC was eight million times better than One Direction,” and “what the heck is Tumblr?!” kinds of old.
So, Taylor, I love you, LOTS, but these “22” lyrics are killing me:
“It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight.”
Nope. Gotta wake up and take the dog out in six hours. And then water the plants.
“It feels like a perfect night to fall in love with strangers.”
Nope. Got married eight years ago.
“Tonight’s the night we’ll forget about the deadlines.”
Nope. Got a job and the mortgage isn’t gonna pay itself.
In short, Taylor, you’re awesome (as I told you in all those letters). However, you’re kind of unawesome too for making me realize that I haven’t rocked a Hypercolor shirt (these need to come back) or put down some Ecto Cooler Hi-Ci in about 100 years. Alas, thanks for teaching me the important lesson to appreciate every second of life, as it seems to be passing by ever so swiftly. Oh, and thanks for filling the divalicious void in my life while Britney, Katy, and Gaga are busy piecing their lives back together (and while Ke$ha still scares me a bit too much).
Peace out, youth. We had a good run.